What is pain? Scientifically, I wouldn’t really know how to explain it. But I’m sure it is a reaction – it’s a physical reaction relative in intensity to some sort of external stimulus.
You stub your toe…ouch. You break your leg – OUCH! Your parachute doesn’t open when you skydive – AHdvhsjjNkskaksjsbJshshsjeb!!
Ok, so I might be exaggerating by calling myself a superhero, however I have had to deal with learning to control my superpower since I was a kid. And, as wonderful as it is at times, it has also been difficult for me. No, I’m not talking about being able to fly, become invisible, or even being particularly proficient at martial arts – at least not in the literal sense.
Another sleepless night. Another night where what I thought I knew I didn’t, and what I wished I didn’t, unfortunately, I do.
Another night when I thought everything was one way, or rather, dreamed it, I realized it was just what I was afraid of.
And again I am lost. I was so tired, my eyes heavy, my head sinking into the pillow. I even drifted off to another blissful world for a short time.
But here I am now, returned to this confusing, waking world, my soul so tired but my head no closer to sleep. All I want is to sleep and feel safe, but instead I lay mostly half-awake in my bed, the anxiety crawling under my skin like bugs. I fear sleep.
And I can’t deal with this sheet shifting off the bed leaving me breathing in itchy mattress.
Sorry for the psychobabble. It’s late, and I’ve already slept for the night.
As you lay there in bed and address me gruffly one last time before turning your back towards me, I wondered, again, what it was that I had done? What had I done wrong? Did I disrespect you? Did I ignore you? Did I offend you? Did I break your heart?
I think to tap you on the shoulder and question you about it. I think to tap you on the shoulder and
For a while I have understood that I am in a codependent relationship. Perhaps to begin to work on my issues (or, even, distance myself from them), I have been reading material about similar situations, what they mean, why they happen, and their consequences.
My research has brought to light many things I didn’t know – or, perhaps, I did know, but I convinced myself that I didn’t (in order not to suffer them so profoundly). There are the normal concepts – fear of abandonment (both of being abandoned as well as abandoning my partner that is hurting), the feeling that I’ve held on so long that if I just wait a little longer it will all get so much better and have all been so worth it, letting myself be convinced that I deserve the treatment I’m receiving because he’s having a bad day (everyday), fixing all of his mistakes because he doesn’t care about consequences, and letting myself be controlled by the fear of what he’ll do and the mistakes he’ll make if I ever truly leave…
But what I wasn’t considering,
was the fact
that I have boundaries.
At what point do you admit that if it’s you against the world that you must be wrong about something? If you are constantly angry, if you constantly feel slighted, if every day is a fight – at what point do you stop to think:
I must be
about something —
For every four days of fighting, you have two of apologies and one that really doesn’t seem so bad. Then the final night passes, and it all starts again from the beginning like a broken record that keeps spinning the same lilting melody. Your life becomes this daunting, unfulfilling thing, and you can’t help but to wonder why?
I’ll never understand why my mother feels the need to belittle people around her when she is feeling inadequate. This is something that she has done since I was a child, and, unfortunately, it was something that I had learned from her (as well as a host of other socially unfortunate behavior).
I think I never understood the adverse effects
teasing could have on people –
until I did —