Warning Boys: Gotcha! (I am Lady, hear me roar);

Everything you think a woman doesn’t know?  Oh, she knows it.

Whether or not we let you in on that little fact, be aware that everything you think you can hide from your Lady you absolutely cannot.  We are observers.  We are analyzers.  We are empaths.  We are perceptive and detail-oriented.  And the suspicion of our male counterparts is innate – we are born protective (think “mother lioness”) and, I would say, just as territorial as our lesser-halves (ha.).

Look, if we’ve decided to be with you it’s because we think you’re the best.  In whatever way is most important to each individual woman (romance, stability, wealth, practicality, attraction), you beat out all your competitors.  You had the flashiest feathers, the sweetest song, the most prevalent battle scars.

Congratulations: you won!  But don’t flatter yourself, it’s just nature.  In the same way that female animals judge the available gene-pool, thus do we.  Though for us it becomes a bit more complex than these physical factors, we too are animals and will protect our property accordingly.

Don’t balk at the word.  It’s how you think of us, isn’t it?

Much of what men try and hide from their women is harmless.  Of course there are more grave situations and hurtful offenses, but what I find my husband most tries to hide from me is something silly, say, eating an unhealthy snack.  What’s even more ridiculous than the fact that he tries to hide it is the fact that he thinks I give a d@mn.  If I, then, point out that he’s got a bit of chocolate icing on his cheek (undoubtedly from devouring the sweet rapidly to avoid detection), he accuses me of “controlling” him.

Really?  Fine.  

Next time I’ll just let you walk around with sh*t on your face.

 

Continue reading

I can see for miles —

I am not good at many things.  However, I am good at reading people.  No matter what you say, I know what you mean.  No matter how you act, I know how you feel.  Though I do understand that people sometimes have reasons for not directly saying what they mean,

I can’t stand a liar.

I am not good at lying.  But let’s talk about the difference between lying and manipulation.  For instance, if I flake out on a friend, even if I have the intent of coming up with a totally believable excuse, I always fail miserably.  With me, you will always get the hard, honest truth (unless you’re asking me if that dress makes your @ss look big).  However, when it comes to work situations, for instance, I have no problem manipulating a situation to get my way.

For example, there once was a girl whom I thought was my friend.  Well, it turns out she wasn’t (I have learned to trust less, as hard as it is).  At first when she started acting towards me in a way I found hurtful, I was just that: hurt.  But then I got tired of being upset by her.  So I pulled the manager to the side one night, crocodile tears and all, and explained how I didn’t understand what I had done.  I used all the right words…

Continue reading