Recently I have been experiencing major anxiety over my relationships and interactions with my female friends. As I posted some days ago, I seem to have taken on the role of therapist among them. This would be okay if just one or another needed advice or a shoulder to cry on at any given time, but it has begun to eat up my whole life. As a friend of mine put it, they’ve become
Loss started, for me, with the death of my mother’s mother in 2007. It wasn’t exactly sudden, although I took it very hard. She was only 61 and, apart from her Emphysema, extremely healthy. I will always remember the click and whir sound her breathing apparatus made as she struggled for breath in bed over her last days. She wasn’t even a smoker.
We were always like two peas in a pod. Referring to the interests we shared, my mother always said, “It skips a generation.” It was true – my mother never took any interest in our hobbies. She sewed, crocheted, beaded, and knitted among other activities – all which she passed on to me. My Nana was always so proud to show me off to her stitch-n’-bitch groups. She had also participated in the WAF program which made her one of the first active-duty women in the US Air Force…
When you have a #dirtywindshield at your fingertips?
I have to be strong so that he can be weak. Well, at least that’s the long and short of it. He’d rather not be here either. But we’ve just done the back and forth so many times. Had it ever worked out, we would have stayed. Honestly, had he never asked me to go with him to Tenerife in 2009, we still would probably be in Italy. Well, I would. Maybe it would all be different…
I happen to have lots of problems. I don’t know if it’s because of this or in lieu of this, but I seem to gather about me women with just as many issues. Whereas my problems are continuous – and generally kept under wraps – it seems like their lives, on sporadic occasion, blow up in their faces.
All at the same time.
Another sleepless night. Another night where what I thought I knew I didn’t, and what I wished I didn’t, unfortunately, I do.
Another night when I thought everything was one way, or rather, dreamed it, I realized it was just what I was afraid of.
And again I am lost. I was so tired, my eyes heavy, my head sinking into the pillow. I even drifted off to another blissful world for a short time.
But here I am now, returned to this confusing, waking world, my soul so tired but my head no closer to sleep. All I want is to sleep and feel safe, but instead I lay mostly half-awake in my bed, the anxiety crawling under my skin like bugs. I fear sleep.
And I can’t deal with this sheet shifting off the bed leaving me breathing in itchy mattress.
Sorry for the psychobabble. It’s late, and I’ve already slept for the night.