It seems like I eat perfectly well until I try to, and then I sabotage myself. Maybe if we do it together? How about we hold each other accountable? Are you in!?
The funny thing is, I am such a healthy eater. The darker green something is, the more I like it. Lean protein – I don’t really like red meat. I’m not and have never been into sweets – or sugar at all for that matter. I take my espresso with a splash of milk.
So why have I battled with my weight my whole life? Much of it is mental, I know – it’s depression, anxiety, eating to fill a void. More recently, though, it’s been “Oh, you want to make a conscious effort to eat well?!” THWARTED!!
Somewhere along the line, I lost myself. I lost the music, the art, the words – oh, the words! I never would have thought. Me. No imagination. No creativity. No inspiration.
There must be something terribly wrong. This is just not the way I am. This is just not me.
My life has changed – I have changed. What’s more, it’s not for the better. Life, age, responsibility, money – the fighting, the loving, the fighting. Oh, the fighting.
The hatred, the words, the hate – where does it come from? What have I become? Moreover, what has become of me? With all I have been, where have I gone?
Who am I?
I am in need.
Loss started, for me, with the death of my mother’s mother in 2007. It wasn’t exactly sudden, although I took it very hard. She was only 61 and, apart from her Emphysema, extremely healthy. I will always remember the click and whir sound her breathing apparatus made as she struggled for breath in bed over her last days. She wasn’t even a smoker.
We were always like two peas in a pod. Referring to the interests we shared, my mother always said, “It skips a generation.” It was true – my mother never took any interest in our hobbies. She sewed, crocheted, beaded, and knitted among other activities – all which she passed on to me. My Nana was always so proud to show me off to her stitch-n’-bitch groups. She had also participated in the WAF program which made her one of the first active-duty women in the US Air Force…