We’re in this together;

It seems like I eat perfectly well until I try to, and then I sabotage myself.  Maybe if we do it together?  How about we hold each other accountable?  Are you in!?

The funny thing is, I am such a healthy eater.  The darker green something is, the more I like it.  Lean protein – I don’t really like red meat.  I’m not and have never been into sweets – or sugar at all for that matter.  I take my espresso with a splash of milk.

So why have I battled with my weight my whole life?  Much of it is mental, I know – it’s depression, anxiety, eating to fill a void.  More recently, though, it’s been “Oh, you want to make a conscious effort to eat well?!” THWARTED!!

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Along the line;

Somewhere along the line, I lost myself.  I lost the music, the art, the words – oh, the words!  I never would have thought.  Me.  No imagination.  No creativity.  No inspiration.

There must be something terribly wrong.  This is just not the way I am.  This is just not me.

My life has changed – I have changed.  What’s more, it’s not for the better.  Life, age, responsibility, money – the fighting, the loving, the fighting.  Oh, the fighting.

The hatred, the words, the hate – where does it come from?  What have I become?  Moreover, what has become of me?  With all I have been, where have I gone?

Who am I?

I am in need.

Nothing to lose: or, already lost it all–

Loss started, for me, with the death of my mother’s mother in 2007.  It wasn’t exactly sudden, although I took it very hard.  She was only 61 and, apart from her Emphysema, extremely healthy.  I will always remember the click and whir sound her breathing apparatus made as she struggled for breath in bed over her last days.  She wasn’t even a smoker.

We were always like two peas in a pod.  Referring to the interests we shared, my mother always said, “It skips a generation.”  It was true – my mother never took any interest in our hobbies.  She sewed, crocheted, beaded, and knitted among other activities – all which she passed on to me.  My Nana was always so proud to show me off to her stitch-n’-bitch groups.  She had also participated in the WAF program which made her one of the first active-duty women in the US Air Force…
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