With the sudden, unexpected loss of my mother’s partner in the early hours of this morning, I have been forced to step back and reconsider the frailty of life. Even with the occasional tension between the two of us (perhaps for the competition for my mother’s attentions) and my distaste for some of his mannerisms, he took wonderful care of my mother over their too-short chapter. He was a good man.
I had just seen him on Monday. Apart from the normal ailments of a man in his 60’s (and even lesser, given his rigorously physical work-life) and those of a smoking man whom would have benefited from a healthier lifestyle (that my mother tried to give to him), he had no complaints. I suppose what I mean to say is, even with the cigarettes and lackluster food-choices, he showed no overt signs of heart disease or extraordinary issues with his lungs (for instance, like my own father’s emphysema).
And yet still
last night he closed his eyes
and this morning he was no longer;
The main difference between my husband and I is that I internalize every little thing while he externalizes his rage over, oftentimes, absolutely nothing. While I will feel badly about something I’ve done (or even something I haven’t done), he is always angry about what he perceives is being done unto him. Though I’ve always known this, he made it abundantly clear today while he shouted:
All this suffering is because
they have wished it upon me;
I am cursed —
It really comes down to taking responsibility for your own actions. While I do not wish unto him (or anyone for that matter) the responsibility I feel for every little thing, I do wish he would stop complaining about everything and blaming everyone for each little inconvenience in his life.
For the millionth time, he told me he just wishes he could die. While I am no stranger to the feeling, I am also painfully aware that I am the master of my own misery. If I am on an upswing or I am feeling really rough, I know that only I can change the way my life, my day, or even my moment is going.
We are all responsible
You know that person who complains all the time but never does anything to change his situation? Yes, of course I love my husband and want to be there for him to hear about his day and to let him get that work drama off his chest. However, there comes a time where the monotonous complaints are so regular that I get tired of hearing them. Continue reading