At some point I awoke to near total darkness in agonizing pain. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the flickering blue light of the television and even more for my spinning mind to comprehend what was happening to me.
I lay face down, on my stomach, and there was no one else left on the cube besides myself and whomever was behind me. I tried to turn to see what was happening to me, still not understanding, but all I could see in the darkness were my shoes set in the corner by the door with my jeans and panties neatly folded and set on top. Then I understood. Well, I didn’t entirely understand.
For a moment I was unsure. I didn’t know if, in my stupor, I had agreed to this – or even initiated it myself. But I knew from the folded clothing that that could not be the case. Though all this thinking felt like forever, it must have only been for a moment, because there was that sharp pain again, bringing me back to reality.
All I could manage to get out was, “No, F, please not there!” Not only was he violating me – or attempting to – but he had chosen…an alternate route. This is the first thing about which I have fought with myself over the years. I said, “no.” I’m sure I said it. But being so violently woken up from a drunken stupor, all I could think was, first, to stop the pain – not about the emotional and psychological destruction he was causing. Not about his not giving me a choice in the matter when I had very clearly told him “never again” over the weeks since our original encounter. All I could think to do was to beg him not to try and put it where he was.
So he didn’t; he changed tactics. And, in terms of my own well-being, I had a lot of guilt over this. I felt like by not screaming or fighting him off of me, I had given him permission. Rather than finding some way to deny him entirely, I only denied him some part of me thereby giving him permission to have another part of me. I lived with these feelings of guilt for quite some time before coming to terms with myself: You can’t give someone permission while unconscious.