At some point I awoke to near total darkness in agonizing pain.  It took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the flickering blue light of the television and even more for my spinning mind to comprehend what was happening to me.

I lay face down, on my stomach, and there was no one else left on the cube besides myself and whomever was behind me.  I tried to turn to see what was happening to me, still not understanding, but all I could see in the darkness were my shoes set in the corner by the door with my jeans and panties neatly folded and set on top.  Then I understood.  Well, I didn’t entirely understand.

For a moment I was unsure.  I didn’t know if, in my stupor, I had agreed to this – or even initiated it myself.  But I knew from the folded clothing that that could not be the case.  Though all this thinking felt like forever, it must have only been for a moment, because there was that sharp pain again, bringing me back to reality.

All I could manage to get out was, “No, F, please not there!”  Not only was he violating me – or attempting to – but he had chosen…an alternate route.  This is the first thing about which I have fought with myself over the years.  I said, “no.”  I’m sure I said it.  But being so violently woken up from a drunken stupor, all I could think was, first, to stop the pain – not about the emotional and psychological destruction he was causing.  Not about his not giving me a choice in the matter when I had very clearly told him “never again” over the weeks since our original encounter.  All I could think to do was to beg him not to try and put it where he was.

So he didn’t; he changed tactics.  And, in terms of my own well-being, I had a lot of guilt over this.  I felt like by not screaming or fighting him off of me, I had given him permission.  Rather than finding some way to deny him entirely, I only denied him some part of me thereby giving him permission to have another part of me.  I lived with these feelings of guilt for quite some time before coming to terms with myself: You can’t give someone permission while unconscious.


2 thoughts on “;

  1. It’s horrifying what some people are capable of doing! I am wondering: did this boy show any signs that he loved you? Or was it just pure savage desire? Through your description, I think that F was mentally ill- which does not in any way excuse his actions since he had the intelligence of luring you in this trap. But he does seem like a psychopath. I think you are right saying that in this case it was definitely not your fault. You smoke and drank before and nothing happened. You had no reason to think that this time would be different.
    Can I ask why you decided to re-explore your past? The article made you remember the past, but what made you want to “change your life”? After 6 years, are you still suffering from it? If this is too personal, then don’t answer. Hope you’re feeling alright.


    1. No, I don’t think it had anything at all to do with “love.” To be honest, nor do I think it had to do with “savage desire.” Or really any kind of desire.

      I think, like you say, it had to do with his own psychopathy and naught else. He was wealthy, spoiled, raised poorly. He felt above me and thus deserving of whatever he wanted from me. Perhaps the only “desire” came from the fact that I had turned him down – he was angry and felt entitled.

      I think the reason for which I am now able to discuss what happened in this careless manner is because I have managed to dissociate myself from the memory. Like watching it happen from an outside perspective rather than having had it happen to me. So, am I still suffering from it? Not always. Have I taken the right steps to get past it? No. I do not suffer because I removed myself from scenario – it’s like I am no longer a part of the equation. Just an educational movie I watch from time to time. It’s not a healthy way of living, but it’s an easy way out.

      Liked by 1 person

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