Over the next few weeksF approached me maybe two times – and I declined his advances politely.  Not only had it not been a pleasurable experience, he was also in my tight circle of friends, and, to put it bluntly, he had begun to treat me in some sort of way that I can’t really put into words.  He acted towards me in a manner that was sort of standoffish around our friends, almost like he thought less of me, but then if we found ourselves alone together for any length of time, he seemed to feel entitled to have what he wanted from me.  I know that’s a run-on sentence but it’s sort of an abstract feeling for me, and I don’t know how to express it any less verbosely – sorry.

One Saturday night the six of us decided to go to this beer and wine bar that served pitchers in a less touristy part of the City.  The interior was different than any place I had ever been outside of the States – instead of tables there were these sort of wooden picnic tables with benches, and the local was void of any flashy decor; it was sort of like the Italian equivalent of a dive bar with pitcher specials.  We ordered a pitcher of beer and a pitcher of red wine.

But when the pitchers got there, another friend of mine A** (the one I actually was attracted to) and I realized that we were the only two that wanted wine while the other four had chosen beer.  After giving the appropriate protest (we really would have made do with beer with the others rather than attempting to consume what looked like a milk jug of red wine alone), we looked at each other, shrugged our shoulders, and resigned ourselves, “Guess it’s just going to be that kind of night!”

As the evening progressed, we talked, laughed, and drank merrily, happy to be in good company.  On the walk home, we smoked a few joints between the group, and skipped jovially like school children over the ancient cobblestone streets.  At each water fountain (they look sort of like fire-hydrants for a US perspective), A would leapfrog over it; at some point we had to stop him forcefully from jumping into a real fountain and convince him of why it was not a good idea.

Let me take a moment, though, to express something that I had always felt about F – even before our contact.  There was something very strange about him.  He had these clear blue eyes, and it seemed like, behind them, he was always plotting away maliciously.  I could never put my finger on it, but there was just something that made me not like him.  I never did.


2 thoughts on “;

  1. It’s horrifying what some people are capable of doing! I am wondering: did this boy show any signs that he loved you? Or was it just pure savage desire? Through your description, I think that F was mentally ill- which does not in any way excuse his actions since he had the intelligence of luring you in this trap. But he does seem like a psychopath. I think you are right saying that in this case it was definitely not your fault. You smoke and drank before and nothing happened. You had no reason to think that this time would be different.
    Can I ask why you decided to re-explore your past? The article made you remember the past, but what made you want to “change your life”? After 6 years, are you still suffering from it? If this is too personal, then don’t answer. Hope you’re feeling alright.


    1. No, I don’t think it had anything at all to do with “love.” To be honest, nor do I think it had to do with “savage desire.” Or really any kind of desire.

      I think, like you say, it had to do with his own psychopathy and naught else. He was wealthy, spoiled, raised poorly. He felt above me and thus deserving of whatever he wanted from me. Perhaps the only “desire” came from the fact that I had turned him down – he was angry and felt entitled.

      I think the reason for which I am now able to discuss what happened in this careless manner is because I have managed to dissociate myself from the memory. Like watching it happen from an outside perspective rather than having had it happen to me. So, am I still suffering from it? Not always. Have I taken the right steps to get past it? No. I do not suffer because I removed myself from scenario – it’s like I am no longer a part of the equation. Just an educational movie I watch from time to time. It’s not a healthy way of living, but it’s an easy way out.

      Liked by 1 person

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