I feel like such a b!tch. And maybe I am. But I’ve been pushed to this point. Apart from my two friends, there is also that other woman whom I didn’t know very well to begin with who has latched onto me for emotional support. And I have given it to her. But she also sends me text messages that just read,
What!? All my friends know I hate talking on the phone – I can’t get out of the conversation if I need to, I can’t take the time to think about my response to a question or an offer or plans, and I can’t continue to do what I’m doing (cooking, cleaning, driving, etc) because I have to dedicate my attention. Which I will do – face to face. Not over the phone.
But I digress. This scheduling thing. Holy hell. It makes me want to pull all my hair out and lock myself in a dark room. I am a control freak: I know exactly how much money I have in my account, how much gas I have in my car, how much time I have free, the schedule I need to keep if I need to, say, get to the grocery store, throw in a load of laundry, and cook something before picking up my husband.
People don’t understand. What do you mean you don’t want to drive an extra 14 miles (7 back and forth) to the gym? You have half a tank! Yes, I am aware, but that half a tank has to drive 60 miles a day for the next 5-6 days before my husband gets another check as I only have $x in the bank – not that I owed you any explanation!
And for my own sanity, I need to do what I am fixated on doing. For example, certain days of the week my husband and I go to the gym together because we’re both free. One of those days this past week, I made the mistake of “not alerting” one of those friends. She ended up coming a half an hour later, and insisting that I do another half hour of cardio with her (I usually do a half hour warm-up and then cool-off at the end). Jokingly. Except I knew she wasn’t joking.
I wouldn’t mind, usually, but this was my time with my husband. Sure, we don’t work-out together, but we do do it in the same time frame. So my whole routine got thrown off, and rather than doing any weights at all, all I got was an hour of cardio before my husband (who has an injured leg) was ready to leave.
This threw off my entire day. I was moody. I tried to cook something and didn’t have all the ingredients I needed. The rice noodles were of crappy quality. Something was undercooked. Something was overcooked. I tried to eat it anyway because it was something new and different and was supposed to be our indulgence. It was disgusting. My husband ate it and said he liked it, but I’m sure he was lying.
We fought for hours. Because I was moody and emotionally needy. I didn’t get to do what I wanted; I didn’t get to exercise. I had eaten something that was both fattening and disgusting. I felt fat. I was being a b!tch. I was in a down-swing. A morning that had started off sunny and tranquil had turned into an afternoon/evening of hell. All this so I could give my friend a half hour to vent to me about her boy troubles. I mean, I love my friend…
But let me tell you: no amount of time dedicated to making a friend feel better about her latest boyfriend drama is worth causing
an evening of
And maybe my friends will get that once they’re married.
And beyond that, to say something positive about my character, I don’t want to be a leech! Not an emotional one nor an economic one. I don’t want to show up at someone’s house “for a couple drinks” or dinner with no bottle in hand. It’s just crass. Okay, every once in a while it’s okay for you to say, “Just shut up and come!” And I appreciate it – I really do. But I will not do it 3 days in a row.
But I’m feeling badly now. I feel like my friends deserve better. They do. They’re great friends. And because of my inability to cope with helping them while, at the same time, reserving enough emotional space for my own needs, I’m treating them poorly.
Because that’s what it is: I’m not a terrible person. I am a wonderful and caring person. I will give you all of me. And that is my problem. I guess it goes back to what I said in regards to my husband when I posted about boundaries a while back. Because I don’t know how to lay them out, they are not respected. People are used to getting everything from me (which I give gladly to those I love), so me turning off the faucet paints me in a bad light.
It all chalks up to a series of unfortunate events culminating in all of my friends needing all of me and all at the same time. And that is just something I cannot do anymore. What with my own drama and all.