Recently I have been experiencing major anxiety over my relationships and interactions with my female friends. As I posted some days ago, I seem to have taken on the role of therapist among them. This would be okay if just one or another needed advice or a shoulder to cry on at any given time, but it has begun to eat up my whole life. As a friend of mine put it, they’ve become
Every morning I take my husband to work 15 miles away. So, in total, that’s a 30 mile drive – and then I pick him up again at night. So, that’s 60 miles of stop-and-go traffic. In my turbo-diesel vehicle (at $4/gallon).
Last year when we were living in another area, I joined a gym that is directly halfway between his work and our current home. I like to go there either after dropping him off, before picking him up, or both. When I am driving past it. When it is convenient for me. My life. My schedule. Not additional mileage and time in the car.
One of my friends asked if she could start coming to the gym with me a month or so ago (my membership “level” comes with guest privileges). At the time I told her, “Sure, I go in the morning at 10 or late at 9:30 or 10 when I’m already in the car for my husband.” Somehow, without ever discussing it we ended up going more at times that she decided, rather than the ones that I had originally mentioned I went.
At the same time, we started bumping into another friend of mine there and ended up forming this little trio that met at the gym to work out. It was cute and sweet, I enjoy my girls very much, but I also enjoy going to the gym, headphones on, and powering through my workout (as I mentioned in this post about gym culture/the female condition).
Both of them are having problems with their respective men. As do I – constantly. And, like I said, while I wouldn’t mind being there for either one of them individually, I feel like I am the fulcrum that is holding this group together (without having asked for this position/title), and, thusly, am dealing with way too much at once.
I regret even saying it – believe me, I do – as they have been and would be there for me in a heartbeat. And I am like a mother lioness, fiercely protective and the whole bit. But I am also disordered. I am fine until I am not. What might have been fine yesterday will drive me crazy tomorrow and make me ecstatic on Wednesday.
But back to the gym. This is my first problem. One works during the day. The other sleeps the morning. I get a call from one and a text from another within 5 minutes of each other stating, “1pm gym!/7 o’clock’s ok!” without even stopping to ask if that would be convenient for me. I mean, I guess the question mark is implied. But both are assuming that I have nothing better to be doing, so I should base my life around their needs/schedules.
Well, first of all, I have begun the process of starting work. Filling out paperwork, paying dues, going to meetings. So, that’s going to change. First of all.
And then, who the hell cares if I have nothing better to do? Don’t I deserve
what I do
That is up to me. And nobody else. I don’t owe anybody any explanations. Or apologies. Moreover, I was going to the gym by myself long before I was going to the gym with anybody. I appreciate the company and the invite, but I will go when I will go. And I will bump into you there or I will not. To me, it makes no difference…