Nothing to lose: or, already lost it all–

 Then there is, of course, my husband.  The man I love.  And will always love, no matter what.  But he added a great deal to my Loss because of his problem.  Over the course of a few years, at his hands we have gone through so much money as well as items that I held dear.  Items that I used and needed.  Keepsakes that were invaluable.  That is all I will say on that subject.

Over the past year, my father has found out that he is ill.  I will always remember that afternoon that I took my brother to see a horror movie at the cinema.  I brought him back to my dad’s apartment to drop him off.  My dad looked like he was about to cry.  I knew.  Somehow I just knew.

Actually, a few days prior I had had this strange sensation that I should call my father, like maybe he had been in an accident or something and needed me.  I later found out that that was the time when he had been at the doctor’s office.  Strange how we’re connected like that.  Or, when you think about it, not so strange at all.

I might be dying.

He said to us.  My heart jumped into my throat.  I love my father more than anyone in the whole world.  I am a daddy’s girl.  Always have and always will.

Those next few weeks were torture.  We found out, thankfully, that he doesn’t have lung cancer.  He has emphysema.  No, it’s not exactly a death sentence, but having already lost two people to emphysema over the past 7 years, it’s still scary to me.

Nobody understands.  Not my husband.  Not my mother (who, of course, will always hold my father, her ex-husband, in a negative light).  I go to eat with my dad almost every Sunday.  Every time I see him, I think, Will this be the last time?  Every birthday and holiday I think, Will he be here next Thanksgiving? Christmas? Father’s day?

No, he’s not sickly.  But he coughs a lot.  He doesn’t do a lot of the stuff he used to do.  He doesn’t eat like I remember when I was a kid.  He doesn’t even drink wine with me anymore at dinner.  My mom thinks I’m blowing her off if I ask her to schedule our Sunday around the time I need to spend with my father.  And my mother is another one – I lose her once a year to a new man,

Sometimes I just start crying because I think about him.  My husband doesn’t support me, he thinks I’m just randomly moody.  Nobody gets it.  When my dad thought he had lung cancer, he said to me, “I thought I was invincible…”  And, you know, I always thought the same thing.  I want my father to live forever.  I need him to.



6 thoughts on “Nothing to lose: or, already lost it all–

  1. Just a head’s up first LoJu, the page advancing arrows are not working, at least for me. I had to keep paging back and click on the next page number to read through.

    So, we’re both on a ‘loss’ page today. Serendipitous. I appreciate your writing style; it connected with me. And while I read, heard and ‘get’ all you have been experiencing over time, what felt even more pronounced to me is your makeup, your inner strength, and your heightened awareness of quite simply, what is.

    Your Dad is to you what my Mom is to me (my Dad passed 18 months ago). I need her to live and gratefully, she continues to be of sound mind and body.

    My wish for you is that you be with healing, especially when it comes to yourself. Be selfish and take good care of you! The rest, as you closed with, isn’t going to matter. Thanks for sharing all that you have.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Eric! I (think) I fixed them. I agree, it’s annoying to have to scroll down past tags, comments, etc to get to the page numbers – I don’t know why my theme is set up like that!

      True! That was my first thought when I read your post (and that you had seen two other posts on the same theme today!). I’m glad you found my writing enticing – at some point I got to that empty-headed, too-much-caffeine space and was worried what I had written was more like “blah-blah-blah…” Ha!

      I appreciate very much what you have said about my character. I have always felt that I am extremely adaptive(is that the right word?). In the sense that I have been thrown into extreme situations across the spectrum, and I have always managed to come out pretty much the same as when I went in.

      Thank you for your words of wisdom. =] Being selfish is something I often talk about – in some situations, I succeed, but, on the whole, it is something I have trouble with. I think I am just a people person. But, at the same time, I am quite solitary. I am a contradiction, I know. Regardless, I have a hard time putting myself before those I care about in most situations (and I care about a lot of people).

      I’m glad my words resonated with you. Here’s to many long years still for my father (and mother) and your mother as well! Thank you for the time you took to read and respond–


  2. A very depressing post. I guess my very simple-minded advice is: to give as much love as you can to the people that matter to you so that you won’t regret anything. I am not saying you shouldn’t fight but end the conversation by saying that no matter what you still love them.


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