Nothing to lose: or, already lost it all–

“Ok, honey,” he said, heaviness in his voice.  I knew he thought me naive, but, especially in that moment, there was nothing anyone in my family could have done to convince me otherwise.  “We’ll talk tomorrow.”

“Ok, dad,” I answered.  “I love you…”

“Love you too.”  And the phone clicked off.  I sat on a cobblestone step, built into the street, and thought for a while before returning home.

Over the next few weeks, I spent countless hours on the phone with my family.  My uncle was the hardest person to talk to.  He wasn’t related to me by blood, but he and my aunt had always been like another set of parents for me.  He was so upset about what had happened, about involving (and, in his mind, failing) me.

Since early childhood, I had spent countless nights with them at their home in my City as well as months almost every summer with them in some European local.  They based themselves out of London, and virtually only returned Stateside to be with me.

If you’re wondering about the history here, I will say what I can without revealing too much about who these family members are.  They became extravagantly wealthy through investing (apparently in a somewhat underhanded manner).  Until the early 90’s when the FCC pulled his and his partner’s licenses, my uncle was an accountant/advisor.  They are currently (last I heard) part of a small group that is being sued by the US government for a sum just shy of 1 billion dollars.

Whether or not they are as involved as being accused of (or aware), I do not know and thusly cannot comment.  However, apart from this seemingly negative part of their life, they were always extremely generous.  Donating grandiose amounts of money to hospitals, the arts, education, children, research, and the Catholic Church.  To me, they were always wonderful people.  And always will be – even though they no longer talk to me.



6 thoughts on “Nothing to lose: or, already lost it all–

  1. Just a head’s up first LoJu, the page advancing arrows are not working, at least for me. I had to keep paging back and click on the next page number to read through.

    So, we’re both on a ‘loss’ page today. Serendipitous. I appreciate your writing style; it connected with me. And while I read, heard and ‘get’ all you have been experiencing over time, what felt even more pronounced to me is your makeup, your inner strength, and your heightened awareness of quite simply, what is.

    Your Dad is to you what my Mom is to me (my Dad passed 18 months ago). I need her to live and gratefully, she continues to be of sound mind and body.

    My wish for you is that you be with healing, especially when it comes to yourself. Be selfish and take good care of you! The rest, as you closed with, isn’t going to matter. Thanks for sharing all that you have.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Eric! I (think) I fixed them. I agree, it’s annoying to have to scroll down past tags, comments, etc to get to the page numbers – I don’t know why my theme is set up like that!

      True! That was my first thought when I read your post (and that you had seen two other posts on the same theme today!). I’m glad you found my writing enticing – at some point I got to that empty-headed, too-much-caffeine space and was worried what I had written was more like “blah-blah-blah…” Ha!

      I appreciate very much what you have said about my character. I have always felt that I am extremely adaptive(is that the right word?). In the sense that I have been thrown into extreme situations across the spectrum, and I have always managed to come out pretty much the same as when I went in.

      Thank you for your words of wisdom. =] Being selfish is something I often talk about – in some situations, I succeed, but, on the whole, it is something I have trouble with. I think I am just a people person. But, at the same time, I am quite solitary. I am a contradiction, I know. Regardless, I have a hard time putting myself before those I care about in most situations (and I care about a lot of people).

      I’m glad my words resonated with you. Here’s to many long years still for my father (and mother) and your mother as well! Thank you for the time you took to read and respond–


  2. A very depressing post. I guess my very simple-minded advice is: to give as much love as you can to the people that matter to you so that you won’t regret anything. I am not saying you shouldn’t fight but end the conversation by saying that no matter what you still love them.


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