Nothing to lose: or, already lost it all–

Loss started, for me, with the death of my mother’s mother in 2007.  It wasn’t exactly sudden, although I took it very hard.  She was only 61 and, apart from her Emphysema, extremely healthy.  I will always remember the click and whir sound her breathing apparatus made as she struggled for breath in bed over her last days.  She wasn’t even a smoker.

We were always like two peas in a pod.  Referring to the interests we shared, my mother always said, “It skips a generation.”  It was true – my mother never took any interest in our hobbies.  She sewed, crocheted, beaded, and knitted among other activities – all which she passed on to me.  My Nana was always so proud to show me off to her stitch-n’-bitch groups.  She had also participated in the WAF program which made her one of the first active-duty women in the US Air Force…

Though I had already lost both of my grandfathers, this happened at a much earlier age.  It was almost easier to move through Loss as a youngster – I guess it never really registered.  I was sad, of course, but I wasn’t as upset about it.

After the death of my maternal grandmother, I went off to Italy to do my senior year of high school.  When I didn’t get into NYU early admissions, I decided to return to Italy to attend university there.  I returned to the US to spend the summer with my family.

On the morning of my flight back to Italy, I called my paternal grandmother to say goodbye.  She had passed in the night.  Almost exactly a year after the death of my maternal grandmother.  This was completely unexpected.  Sure, she was in her mid-eighties, but – aside from the normal complaints of someone at that age – she did not have any grave health issues.

This, again, was extremely hard for me.  She and I were always together.  My Grandma was always my partner in crime.  We went to operas and musicals together, out to dinner every week, and spent countless hours shopping.  We even went on a few cruises together.

As hard as it hit me, it was a confusing time.  Again, it was the day I was flying back to Italy.  I didn’t have much time to stop and grieve.  Fortunately, I suppose, completely removing myself from that situation almost made it unreal.  At least surreal.  My brain almost tricked itself into believing that she was still in her apartment doing her nightly evening exercise, dancing around her living room to Mario Lanza.

Everything seemed to return to normal – that is, as normal as my life ever was.  I attended the first semester of University, lived in an apartment in the heart of Rome, made friends, studied, and went out.  Life went on.



6 thoughts on “Nothing to lose: or, already lost it all–

  1. Just a head’s up first LoJu, the page advancing arrows are not working, at least for me. I had to keep paging back and click on the next page number to read through.

    So, we’re both on a ‘loss’ page today. Serendipitous. I appreciate your writing style; it connected with me. And while I read, heard and ‘get’ all you have been experiencing over time, what felt even more pronounced to me is your makeup, your inner strength, and your heightened awareness of quite simply, what is.

    Your Dad is to you what my Mom is to me (my Dad passed 18 months ago). I need her to live and gratefully, she continues to be of sound mind and body.

    My wish for you is that you be with healing, especially when it comes to yourself. Be selfish and take good care of you! The rest, as you closed with, isn’t going to matter. Thanks for sharing all that you have.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Eric! I (think) I fixed them. I agree, it’s annoying to have to scroll down past tags, comments, etc to get to the page numbers – I don’t know why my theme is set up like that!

      True! That was my first thought when I read your post (and that you had seen two other posts on the same theme today!). I’m glad you found my writing enticing – at some point I got to that empty-headed, too-much-caffeine space and was worried what I had written was more like “blah-blah-blah…” Ha!

      I appreciate very much what you have said about my character. I have always felt that I am extremely adaptive(is that the right word?). In the sense that I have been thrown into extreme situations across the spectrum, and I have always managed to come out pretty much the same as when I went in.

      Thank you for your words of wisdom. =] Being selfish is something I often talk about – in some situations, I succeed, but, on the whole, it is something I have trouble with. I think I am just a people person. But, at the same time, I am quite solitary. I am a contradiction, I know. Regardless, I have a hard time putting myself before those I care about in most situations (and I care about a lot of people).

      I’m glad my words resonated with you. Here’s to many long years still for my father (and mother) and your mother as well! Thank you for the time you took to read and respond–


  2. A very depressing post. I guess my very simple-minded advice is: to give as much love as you can to the people that matter to you so that you won’t regret anything. I am not saying you shouldn’t fight but end the conversation by saying that no matter what you still love them.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s