With all this said, I have one major issue:
I am a freak
Minutia discussed, numbers decided, pleasantries exchanged…I stand up, we shake hands, and on my way out the door
I always have to say something
really fcuking weird–
I don’t know what it is. I don’t know if I’m trying to sabotage myself. I don’t know if I’m trying to plant that seed of doubt (whether in my mind or theirs). I don’t know if I’m just testing the waters to see how much I can get away with…I don’t know if I’m just that weird.
As calm as I manage to come off in most situations, I still experience major anxiety. I’m rather certain it has something to do with nerves. What I mean by that is, for example, you are so nervous about meeting someone or presenting yourself to them that you tiptoe around any aspect of yourself that might be misunderstood. Well, once you’ve been offered the job, you begin to let your guard down.
For me, that guard is the only thing between the outside world and my inner freak flag. As soon as I begin to feel that first wave of ease, it all comes tumbling out of me.
I can feel it coming. I feel my lips parting, and I rush to try and lock them shut. But it’s just too late. I lean forward, trying to gobble up the words before they spill out of my mouth. But I’m just not fast enough. Before I know it, I have released into the room something that has made the whole room go into this awkward silence…
And I can’t take it back.
P.S. I lied. I forgot: Carmax didn’t want me–