It’s a Gift and a Curse: or, why it’s so hard being a superhero —

Ok, so I might be exaggerating by calling myself a superherohowever I have had to deal with learning to control my superpower since I was a kid.  And, as wonderful as it is at times, it has also been difficult for me.  No, I’m not talking about being able to fly, become invisible, or even being particularly proficient at martial arts – at least not in the literal sense.

My superpower

is

my brain.

I have always had an overactive imagination.  As a child, this was, for the most part, wonderful.  I wrote (and read) prolifically before many of my peers were even (really) literate.  I wrote (mostly) about a world that, the deeper I involved myself in it, blurred the lines of reality.  

I do think this added to a therapist telling my parents that I was

pretending to have

multiple personalities– 

But, in all honesty, these people were so real to me.  I don’t think I ever said to her (in our 3-5 sessions together) that I was any of these people – just, rather, that I lived in their world.  

The idea of dissociation.  I have always had the ability to separate myself from reality, and this ability was strengthened through my early practice of yoga (and learning about meditation).  As a child, though, this wasn’t sort of an “on cue” response, but something that just happened.  The more I grew and the more I understood it, the better able I became at being able to separate myself from my emotions, my reality.  

I guess, in a way, yoga was like that mentor that all superheroes have – that person or discipline that helps them to better understand their respective superpowers and how to use them for the positive.  Now, I’m not out there saving the world – 

but dissociation
many times over
has saved
my world —

I would like to talk about addiction.  While I completely understand what addiction is and the many facets of the disease (having been around it and very enveloped in my loved one’s addictions), I just cannot comprehend letting myself be taken over in that way.  I know I often fall victim to my depression, but that is a Beast that festers internally, not a Monster that I consciously decide to start putting into my body.

Well, let me correct myself.  I have done a lot of, well, let’s call it, “experimenting.”  I am no stranger to substances.  However, even at times where I have, let’s call it, “abused” the same substance for days or even weeks on end, I have never had a dependency.  It was for fun – and from one day to the next I would wake up and never think of it again.  

So, I guess you can say,
if anything, 
my addiction
was to
the Party —

This is why, to me, my dissociation is a superpower.  I have never needed a substance to escape reality.  I have never needed any external influence.  If something is too much for me, I can just as easily sit on the floor of a dark bathroom with my eyes closed and be somewhere else as can the addict shut themself in that same bathroom and shoot up.  

In a way, 

I am so lucky

to be Disturbed — 

Another superpower I am blessed (and cursed) to have is quite an exceptional memory.  But that’s another post entirely — 

xLoJu

 

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