You know, it’s just music —

I’m on Youtube absorbing videos of Woodstock.  Janis’ words, 

Music’s for grooving man;
music’s not for puttin’ yourself through bad changes.
You don’t have to go take anybody’s sh*t, man,
so if you’re gettin’ more sh*t than you deserve,
you know what to do about it, man.
You know, it’s just music;
music’s supposed to be different than that —

just ring so true.  I can’t help hating that I missed out.  The music, the freedom, the love, the party.  We don’t have anything like that anymore.

I can’t handle my country – its laws, its morals, its expectations.  I am doing what I am supposed to be doing.  I’ve studied and gotten licensed for a lucrative career (that I just can’t bring myself to start for reasons both emotional and fiscal).  I have a nice car that I make massive monthly payments on.  I have an overly-expensive (tiny) apartment in a nice part of a nice city.  

I am 25 years old and have had to be so responsible for the past 5 years.  I am missing out on my youth.  I am missing out on irresponsibility.  I know that sounds selfish, but that’s part of it – I am missing out on the years when I am allowed to be selfish.  When I should be selfish.  I don’t want to arrive at a certain age full of resentment.

I have worried so much and dedicated myself so deeply to nurturing those around me, I am losing myself.  I am losing my music.  I have all but lost my identity.  

Something’s gotta give.  I am not ready for the next phase of my life.  Not because I am not ready to let go of this one, but because I was never given the chance to explore this one.  To truly feel out my passion.  To learn more about myself.  To decide what to become.

But I am resourceful, and I will figure something out; I always have.  I don’t want to run away with my husband this time; I want to have a plan.  I guess that means, in some sense, that I have matured some.  But it is also because, this time, I want it to work out.  I don’t want to have to come back to this country that makes me feel dead inside because we have failed again.

I am letting time slip away.  And I am not living.  I must figure out how to live before it’s too late — 

 xLoJu

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