I’m on Youtube absorbing videos of Woodstock. Janis’ words,
Music’s for grooving man;
music’s not for puttin’ yourself through bad changes.
You don’t have to go take anybody’s sh*t, man,
so if you’re gettin’ more sh*t than you deserve,
you know what to do about it, man.
You know, it’s just music;
music’s supposed to be different than that —
just ring so true. I can’t help hating that I missed out. The music, the freedom, the love, the party. We don’t have anything like that anymore.
I can’t handle my country – its laws, its morals, its expectations. I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I’ve studied and gotten licensed for a lucrative career (that I just can’t bring myself to start for reasons both emotional and fiscal). I have a nice car that I make massive monthly payments on. I have an overly-expensive (tiny) apartment in a nice part of a nice city.
I am 25 years old and have had to be so responsible for the past 5 years. I am missing out on my youth. I am missing out on irresponsibility. I know that sounds selfish, but that’s part of it – I am missing out on the years when I am allowed to be selfish. When I should be selfish. I don’t want to arrive at a certain age full of resentment.
I have worried so much and dedicated myself so deeply to nurturing those around me, I am losing myself. I am losing my music. I have all but lost my identity.
Something’s gotta give. I am not ready for the next phase of my life. Not because I am not ready to let go of this one, but because I was never given the chance to explore this one. To truly feel out my passion. To learn more about myself. To decide what to become.
But I am resourceful, and I will figure something out; I always have. I don’t want to run away with my husband this time; I want to have a plan. I guess that means, in some sense, that I have matured some. But it is also because, this time, I want it to work out. I don’t want to have to come back to this country that makes me feel dead inside because we have failed again.
I am letting time slip away. And I am not living. I must figure out how to live before it’s too late —